New Post-Upset Post

Thank you. That's what I gotta say. Well I guess I don't really have to but I want to. Plus, Thanksgiving is coming up and "thanking" seems to fit. Thank God for helping me see the brighter side of things. I went on a retreat about 2 weeks ago and it was really a great experience. Thank you everyone else that said something like "ahh, John... you'll be fine, you're just in a sophmore-slump". Thank you Amanda for giving so much to make me happy. Thank you Alison for that random hug today. Thanks a lot Heather you poopjerk. Have an AWESOME Thanksgiving break everyone.

By all accounts (today was a disaster)

Well... not by ALL accounts I guess. The song is titled that, but many things didn't go well today. Work sucked pretty bad for the first time this year... and not just because I actually had to work but because we're supposed to figure out this stupid new program but we're not getting trained. So on top of filling orders, we have to try and figure out this other software. I got no studying done for my biology exam. I spent all Sunday night (literally all Sunday night... didn't sleep) studying for an organic chemistry exam on Monday night. I didn't expect a wonderful grade or anything... but I didn't expect to be crushed so badly either. "I don't get it"... that's what I said to Amanda tonight and when she asked what it meant I said... "what my failing means... what God's telling me... O. Chem...." Basically I just don't get IT.

This weekend I'm going to a High School Confirmation Retreat to lead worship and to give a talk about God and His role in our lives. What am I doing?... I feel like I'm getting closer to God, but the truth is that I still don't have a clue. I'm just hanging on. That's really all I know how to do. I beg for guidance. "Meet me where I am and lead me where you will." That is what I ask. I feel "met" but as far as being led... am I supposed to fail my O. Chem exam? am I supposed to be stressed out all the time? am I supposed to be utterly and completely confused?

Maybe I'm still holding on to something. Maybe I'm not letting you take complete control. Maybe I'm afraid of where you would lead me. I'm so afraid to close my eyes and continue walking. (see "blind" for more on this)

Thank You for the gifts you've given me. Thank You for her love. Thank You. Please bare with me.

Why don't I just write you a letter?

So pretty much, no one reads my blog. I don't really know if that's the point or not, but it's an observation I've made. I guess it's therepeutic to wrtie things down...? But normally the content of my blog is directed towards Amanda, cause I know that she reads it.

So... the drop deadline for classes is sooner than I thought it was. It's Nov. 4... this friday. I thought I'd get to take my O. Chem exam and see if I bombed it and then decide whether to drop or not. But I guess I'm gonna have to close my eyes and dive in head first. I really want to go to med school... but why isn't that enough motivation to make me study hard?

ok... I'm on the phone with you, and you said "hi".